I wish I could say that one day I simply woke up, decided to learn everything about myself, and began a journey of self-discovery. The sun beamed with a smile on my face and new possibilities on the horizon. But my story isn’t that neat or glittery. I wanted to change, but the journey really began after years of feeling trapped and suffocated within my own skin. Before going on my healing/spiritual journey, I had never owned or even thought of having a journal. Before I committed to changing myself inside out, I don’t think I ever had a reflective bone in my body. I was a chaotic, sad girl, desperately wishing someone would rescue me from myself. From a life that felt so not mine, but a series of events and decisions that all seemed more forced upon me than actually mine. I was caught in the mindset of a perpetual victim, always crying, always feeling defeated, reliant on others for validation, acceptance, and a sense of worth.

Was I always like that? I’m not sure; it all feels like a blur now. When I share who I was before dedicating myself to becoming a better person, I often feel like no one truly believes me. It’s as if that entire chapter of my life has vanished, leaving behind only memories. What’s fascinating about this observation is that healing is a choice that demands deep commitment. I see many people express a desire to change, yet they still cling to old narratives, afraid to let them go. I’ve noticed this in others: some may seem to have a profound understanding of life or an innate wisdom, yet they still cling to certain illusions. These illusions can take many forms—whatever we have idealized in our mind—and we hold on to them for dear life. Stepping into healing requires embracing truth and relinquishing these illusions, a process that not everyone is prepared to undertake.

I don’t know if it was because I had always come from a life of chaos; the stability he provided was too much for me to bear, or if it was because I came from a lineage of women who have always given up their youth and lives to their families and husbands. Conditioned to be a good girl who does as she’s told, I wanted something different. I was the first American-born college graduate, for goodness’ sake. I wanted more out of my life than being a housewife. I look back at this first journal entry and I am so proud of that 26-year-old girl, because she had yet to become a woman. Even if I was living with a man, I was a girl in my unhealed mind. She wanted freedom, she wanted to be herself, and she wanted everyone to stop telling her what to do. She didn’t choose the easy way out; sometimes I wonder, did I make the right choice? I think I did because the journey that transpired and the experiences I got to live were beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

Looking back at my first-ever manifestation list, a lot of emotions come up for me, especially since I didn’t even know what manifestation was yet. Often, we make lists of desires or ask God for help, thinking naively that our wishes will simply fall into place. I chuckle now at the ‘things I want this year’ because I had no idea of the storm ahead. Years later, I’m surprised to see that peace of mind was first on my list. I had forgotten that it was all I ever truly wanted: peace in my mind, love in my heart. The virtues I had written down weren’t snap-of-the-finger wishes; at the time, unconditional love and confidence were almost foreign concepts. What did they even mean to me back then? And have I reached them? I believe I have. Six years later, I’ve dug deep and cleared out the internal clutter that kept me from experiencing these things. Asking for something like this requires real work; it means letting go of illusions and stories about who I thought I was and embracing the person I knew I could be.

I asked for true friends and for God to help my mind find clarity. It brings me to tears because I must have asked with such conviction that the storm that followed felt like a forest fire. I asked the universe to help me change, stepping into a new beginning as I moved out on my own—one foot still lingering on the sinking ship of an old relationship, afraid to fully let go. And the universe answered, ‘BET. Let’s do this.’ Suddenly, everything familiar seemed to crumble, and life as I knew it came to an end. When you ask the universe for a fresh start, be prepared to hold tight, because the journey might sweep you off your feet, testing whether what you wanted is truly what you’re ready for. But if you can weather the storm, what awaits on the other side is a field of green, with a sunflower blooming just for you.

Don’t put yourself on a timeline when seeking genuine change in your life. Radical transformations, the kind that require shedding layers to become a new version of yourself, don’t happen overnight. The journey is different for everyone; for me, it took nearly six years to find peace in my mind. I allowed myself to live as I healed, to connect and experience heartbreak, and to learn—even through mistakes. I embraced being seen as a work in progress, yet an evolving free spirit, allowing myself to be authentic. No longer clinging to the desire to please everyone; instead, I focused on staying true to myself. I learned the importance of boundaries and how to advocate for myself, discovering bravery and the strength to stand alone.

Real change from the inside out isn’t easy. It demands bold choices, a clear vision of the feelings and experiences you seek, and the courage to confront the outdated stories about yourself that no longer align with who you want to be. Now that I’ve achieved my internal goals and reshaped my inner self, I pray for my career aspirations and growth to follow. I believe they will because when you align your inner world, the outer world naturally falls into place.

Thank you for taking the time to join me in this reflection. I hope you leave – A little more inspired.

XOXO – Blanca