I thought I had healed her—the girl desperate to be seen, valued, and loved by others. Maybe that is my life lesson: to stop searching for love in all the wrong places. I grieve through my creations—the safest place to pour my aches. I am a creative, melodramatic soul. Take me as I am.

This is not written with a desire to change others. I’ve learned throughout my life that trying to force people to see your perspective, or even acknowledge how they have hurt you is as useless as trying to make an old dog learn new tricks. This isn’t written about one particular person, but a reflection of patterns—each one similar, yet each one in a different font.

I reflect on my priorities in life and realize that I have had plenty of friends to lead me down the wrong path. Plenty of friends to join me in my self-hatred, plenty of friends to escape reality with, plenty of friends to have a good time with, and plenty of friends to numb myself with. I’ve had plenty of friends who loved me as their sidekick—plenty who loved me as the supporting actress in their story, their movie of convincing the world of their greatness.

You know what I have not had, though? “A friend when it came to me rising. I have found myself completely alone. It is no wonder I have not remained stuck where I have fallen. I am grateful for God’s mercy on me, for He is the one who has given me His hand”. He has picked me back up and put together my broken pieces. He is the one who has shaken off the dust from my shoulders and told me, “You’re going to be okay.” His love for me has been so unconditional that even when I thought, There is no way I’m going to get out of this one, He gifted me the strength to keep going.

I’m not sure why I have chosen experiences where individuals loved me as a sidekick. They loved when my energy unconditionally poured into their cup. They loved when I kept myself small to ease the discomfort of their insecurities. They loved when I was filled with fear of my own potential because my gratitude for their droplets of “niceness” should suffice for me to overgive and overpour into them. Pedestalizing the bare minimum as a gift from the gods. I’ve been so desperate for connection that I haven’t even realized how unworthy I’ve made myself to be.

Instead of praising the Divine for all the times He has picked me up from the mud, washed my face, and reassured me, “You will be okay,” I’ve neglected His kindness, desperately searching for love in all the wrong places. He has believed in me, given me gifts that are not my own to show me how much He believes in me. And what have I done? I’ve given those gifts and talents to all the wrong people.

People come with their big smiles and acts of “niceness” only to put you in your place when you set boundaries. Know your place, I’M THE BOSS HERE. Keep pouring into me with a nice big smile on your face. You were easier to like when you didn’t speak so clearly and didn’t demand more than I’m willing to give. They must say.

If you want to find friends to get lost with, to lose your sense of self with, to stay lost in illusions with—just go outside. You’ll find plenty. But if you want friends to rise with, prepare to face a desert of nothingness. Some may have crowds who believe in them. But if you are someone like me, remember you are nothing. Yet, in your nothingness, you will find one friend: He who created the stars, oceans, and planets. He will lift you from your brokenness and remind you that, even though you have forgotten Him, He has never stopped believing in you.

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