I wanted to write about surrender today and what it means to let go of control in the spiritual sense. It’s taken me years to fully understand what it means to surrender to the divine plan. Only recently, through reflecting on my own experiences, have I found some clarity. We’re given so much information throughout our lives, and it can be hard to decipher what to take in and what to release. So, if my writing adds any confusion to your life, please ignore me. I really know nothing about nothing. I write as a form of self-expression and to process what I’m learning. But if you find something useful here, I’m so grateful and happy to have assisted you in any way.

Surrender is one of those concepts that’s difficult to grasp, especially in a world where we’re constantly being fed spiritual content from every direction. Religious, non-religious, media, influencers, all trying to make sense of life. Everyone’s searching for the answer, the method, the “secret” to get what they want. And manifest has become the word I’ve probably heard a million different ways. How do we manifest the life, career, friends, money, or travel we dream of? We’re all trying to find the formula to get the life our heart desires.

Personally, I think I started hearing the word manifest more when I moved to California. But I didn’t really understand what it meant until I began my spiritual journey and started trying to course-correct my life from the hot mess it used to be. You go through a lot of identities on a spiritual journey. It’s a process of unpacking, unlearning, and then learning new, healthier ways to cope and live. You can even spend thousands of dollars now on courses teaching you how to manifest and get exactly what you want. For a while, I bought into it. I fell into the attractiveness of “manifesting,” trying to control outcomes that felt more ideal than my current reality.

But the truth? I’m not sure I ever had control. At the beginning of my healing journey, my life felt like a rollercoaster of dysfunction, and I couldn’t get a grip on anything. I was hanging on to fears and ideas of what life should look like. When I stepped into my first spiritual awakening, I had my first real experience with surrender. I was so afraid to leave a relationship that was hurting me, convinced my entire life would implode if I walked away. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone or hurt someone I truly cared about, even if it meant sacrificing myself along the way. I was living a life others approved of, but I was dying inside.

When 26-year-old me finally made a choice to move toward something that felt right, everything did kind of implode. But that life wasn’t mine to begin with. The universe started aligning me with a new experience. I stepped into what wasn’t comfortable but felt true in my soul. You could say I “manifested” it. All those things I dreamed of started happening: a new city, new friends, new opportunities. But was it manifesting? Or was it alignment? Was it me listening to that voice within and trusting divine timing? I’m not sure anymore. What I do know is that I didn’t just blink twice, wished real hard, and the life I wanted appeared. I had spent almost 2 years before that moment working on myself, facing internal chaos, and opening my mind to new ways of thinking. 

Fast forward five years, I was still working on myself. I had grown emotionally and spiritually, but I started hitting blocks. My life in California, while beautiful and freeing, started to feel superficial and empty. I felt myself outgrowing the experience, even though I wasn’t ready to leave. I was comfortable, but I wasn’t growing. And that’s when frustration with “manifesting” really hit me. Nothing seemed to be going my way, my manifestation powers were not working, as they would say.

Moving back to DC wasn’t my idea. I came back kicking and screaming, feeling defeated. I had spent 15 years running away from this place, from painful memories. But maybe God needed me back here. I had no job lined up. I applied to dozens—hundreds—of jobs. Rejection after rejection crushed my ego. I felt like a failure. I remember weeping to my nephew when he said, “Maybe you’re not meant to go back to San Diego.”

What do you MEAN? I manifested that life. I built it from scratch.

But did I? Or was it the divine plan all along?

I went through the stages of grief. I felt worthless. Every rejection felt like a sign that I wasn’t good enough. But slowly, I began to accept that maybe San Diego was just a beautiful chapter. Maybe I was back in DC for a reason. Then my mom got sick. The strongest woman I know—my lioness mother—was suddenly being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. And I understood. This was why I had to come home.

For the next year and a half, I became her caregiver. And still, because this is America, the pressure to work didn’t stop. I applied for jobs again and again. I kept getting rejections and kept telling myself I must be garbage! haha Im so dramatic. But in the silence and stillness, my spiritual relationship with God deepened. Making friends here felt impossible. Every social outing left me feeling judged and un-welcomed. At first, I thought maybe I was just unlikable. But now I think God wanted me alone. He wanted me to strengthen the relationship I had begun seeking in California.

I took a part-time retail job, not because I wanted to, but because I needed something. I wish I could say I entered it gracefully, but I didn’t. I went in with ego, convinced I’d only be there for two months. That turned into 1 year and 7 months. And once I surrendered to the experience, I realized it was exactly what I needed. St. Joseph came into my life at the start of that job. Through him, I began to understand the value of integrity, humility, and honest work. Before that, every new job i received i was always searching for the next manifestation, never content. Creating a lingering misery inside of me, I couldn’t explain. While California taught me about the world, DC has refined me. God used these two years to transform me from the inside out. I’ve let go of the need to control. I’ve fallen in love with my interior world. I’ve found joy in solitude and discovered how peaceful life can be when you enjoy your own company.

I’ve been in the worst financial place of my life, living on the bare necessities. But somehow, I’ve never felt more fulfilled. My fulfillment comes from within. God has taken care of me. And even if people see me and think I’ve failed, I know I haven’t. I’m still here. God loves me. His love fills me in a way nothing else ever has. Eventually, I told God in my prayers, after so many no’s  “I’m done. I’m not applying to any more jobs. If You want me to leave this job, You need to hand it to me. It has to come to my face, because I can’t take one more rejection.” 

Three months after I fully surrendered control, a recruiter messaged me on LinkedIn. I wasn’t even looking. Four interviews later, I’m beyond grateful to share that I’ve accepted a full-time position — for a role I’m genuinely excited about. It’s the kind of opportunity I couldn’t have even imagined writing down in a manifestation journal. I had ideas… but this goes far beyond what I expected. I share this to say: manifestation and surrender aren’t about wish lists or perfectly curated vision boards. Honestly, the performative side of manifestation kind of annoys me now. It’s not just about asking — it’s about becoming. Becoming the kind of person who can carry what you’re asking for.

Are you ready for the blessings? Do you have the integrity, the emotional capacity, the spiritual grounding to hold them? Each journey is different. What happened for me might not happen for you in the same way — and that’s okay. We all have unique blockages and mental barriers to overcome in order to reach new levels of thinking, receiving, and being.

For two years, God worked on me. He brought me the saints. He refined my values. He waited until I was ready, not when I thought I was. I didn’t find this job. God brought it to me, just like I asked Him to when I finally said I’m done forcing my outcome, what ever you want for me and my life accept fully. So wherever you are in your journey, I hope this reminds you that surrender is not failure. It’s trust. It’s acceptance. It’s strength. Let God transform you. Even in your rock bottom, there is purpose. Don’t give up. Don’t fall into the temptation of deep victimization or escapism. Choose goodness. Believe that joy can return to your life again. You are not forgotten.

Ask yourself: What is this trying to teach me?
How is God trying to transform me into the person I’ve been asking Him to make me? It’s easy to get mad at God when things aren’t going our way. Trust me, I’ve shed so many tears over the last two years, wondering, What else do I need to do? Why isn’t anything happening? But maybe you haven’t been forgotten.

Maybe you’ve been planted.

Maybe He wants you to quiet the noise of the outside world, so you can remember the relationship you could have with Him. The connection that could bloom if you allowed Him in. Manifestation and surrender aren’t just high-vibration wishes that magically come to us. They are experiences of deep reckoning. You have to do the inner work. And that’s not just consuming “good vibes” content.

It’s facing yourself.
It’s meeting your shadows.
It’s sitting with the icky, uncomfortable parts.

It’s radical accountability. Realizing that sometimes, you’re your own biggest obstacle. But you’re also your own hero. And the beautiful thing is—you don’t have to do it alone. Ask the Divine to lead you. Ask for the grace to do hard things. Because you can do hard things. It’s just not always going to happen in the timeline you want.
Have faith.
Hold on to your faith.

Even in the deepest, darkest tunnel, there is still magic unfolding,
the kind you can’t see just yet.
It’s just God, changing you from the inside out.

I’ve been exactly where I was meant to be this whole time.
I just needed to realize it.

xoxo
I hope this rant made some kind of sense—and that you leave feeling a little more inspired.

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