Francisco de Osuna was a Spanish Catholic priest from the 1500s whose books and teachings changed the trajectory of one of my favorite saints. He wrote several books, each one arranged in a “spiritual alphabet” format, where each letter, or treatise break down a theme. If you don’t know what a treatise is, don’t worry, I didn’t either. It’s basically a detailed chapter that explores one main theme or methodical idea LOL. The Third Spiritual Alphabet, which was famously mentioned in most of St. Teresa of Ávila’s books as a source of deep transformation during deep, isolated periods in her life where she was literally fighting for her life, because she was either bedridden or fighting some illness. Before reading Osuna’s books, St. Teresa was still struggling with her vocation. She hadn’t found profound movement in her prayer life and was being pulled back and forth on whether she was truly called to live in her vocation. I imagine her having a very passionate, animated personality because the way she describes this book, it’s like she was reading a fantasy thriller love story she couldn’t put down. Honestly, her comprehension skills must have been next level because the way I be reading that book… in snail pace. LOL

The overall goal for these books is to teach the reader how to move towards an internal communion with God. He emphasizes that the desire to reach deeper communion is not an exclusive thing for just a few, but open to all and anyone who is willing to seek. He also emphasizes that communion with God is not a simple thing, though; while it is open to all, few are willing to actually embark. Why? Because with anything good for us, it takes effort and intentionality to do so. When you understand that union with God is not about perfection but about spiritual alignment, then the work doesn’t seem as difficult. I’ve learned in my days that anything worth having never comes easy or at the snap of my fingers, no matter how much I want to find the easy way.

God’s love is similar to a mother’s love, as Osuna describes it, but deeper. Like a mother (or a healthy mother, really), He always waits for His child, waiting for your return. Likewise, God is waiting for you to become aware of Him. He wants to run to you. Unlike human love, which can be quite flawed, God’s love is perfect. this reminds me of The Four Loves, by C.S. Lewis where he describes familial love and how God’s love will always be purer than that. We suffer so much because we have these deep expectations for our families to be the source of true love. While some people have healthy family relationships, lots of people don’t. Their families are a big source of pain for them. Humans are flawed, and we expect family to be ideal and unconditional, but many times people can’t love us the way they should because they don’t have the ability or the skills to do so. When you understand that, you begin to see why God’s well of love can fill you so deeply that the desperation to get your family to love you the “right” way starts to subside. It’s happened to me, really. God’s love has slowly changed me, and I feel like I am no longer searching for love from a place of emptiness or yearning for another human to fill that void. It’s taught me to accept my family, still working on it, too. It’s healed many of the wounds I carried with my own parents, and, weirdly enough, they have changed too.

God’s love is perfect; He’s not passive. He is actively seeking you, especially when you’re struggling. When I felt empty, it was like this anxiety that I could never quite let go of. It felt like this emptiness I was constantly trying to fill but could never quite find the solution to. When you’re unaware, it feels normal to fill it with distractions and follow the habits and desires everyone else is chasing. I chased my ego, my pleasures, my vanity, my desire to be around lots of people, and all I ever felt was emptiness, confusion, and disappointment. When you start to recognize alignment with God, you experience peace, clarity, meaning, and a lingering joy even when things aren’t necessarily perfect or ideal. God never gives up on us, even when we forget to come back to Him. I like this quote from the book about Saint Augustine: “God does not deceive us, and if He did not enter to sustain us, He would not urge us over and over again to come to Him.” Osuna teaches me that friendship with God in this life is truly possible and not as difficult as we might think. Love between our souls and God is the most intimate experience we could ever have.

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PART 2

The lesson begins with the idea that there is nothing more certain and valuable to pursue than communion with God. It is the highest good, and nothing will bring you more satisfaction—not success, not your spouse or romantic relationships, and not even your achievements. Osuna means that one day, when we meet our Maker, we will realize that none of those things were the most important. The question won’t be, “How successful were you?” but rather, “How much did you seek personal union with God?”

This reminds me of my mom. The other day, she was feeling down because of her health and the difficulty of accepting her illness. She looked at me and said, “You know, sometimes I look back at how hard I have worked, and now I can’t even enjoy my home; it feels as if it were all for nothing.” Obviously, I cried when she told me this because I don’t want her to lose hope, and God can make miracles happen. For context, my mom is an immigrant woman who is incredibly hardworking. I don’t think I have ever met anyone as hardworking, smart, or generous, as my mother. She has worked her entire life to provide for her family. Since she was 14 years old, she has at one point or another, been the primary provider for her parents, her children, her siblings, and beyond. Helped countless people beyond her own family and friends. I have witnessed her generosity reach so many, often including people who have not always shown her the same kindness or generosity in return. She told me once, a long time ago, “When I was little, everyone mistreated me. They treated me like I was nothing. They would say, ‘One day you’ll be nothing, just good for having babies.’ But when I started to work and began making money, something clicked in me. I realized that for people to respect me, I had to work and make money. Then no one could ever control me, look down on me again, or make me into who they said I would be”. She said this with so much conviction. She worked day in and day out to change the trajectory of her family’s life, and she did. I am incredibly proud of my mom, and her hard work has not been in vain. Yet I also feel sad for that little girl who believed that was the only way she could ever find true meaning and acceptance. It has been quite a heavy load for her to carry all alone. I see the little girl in her now, the one who simply wanted to be loved for who she was.

For a long time, it felt like the only thing she ever cared about was work. Her life became her work, and she never really had the chance to build an identity outside of working and surviving. Retirement has been incredibly difficult for her because she has never known a life that wasn’t centered around providing for others or being needed financially. Learning how to live outside of that role is something she has truly struggled with. Especially with her illness coming during her retirement, it has been incredibly difficult at times to get her to move or find activities she is open to; it’s like she’s been lost to me. Anyway, her illness has brought a lot of ups and downs. When I was younger, she and my father spent years investing in building a home in El Salvador where they could one day spend slower days. With her illness and treatments, travel hasn’t been allowed, and I find it incredibly heartbreaking, as this is one of the things she feels she had worked for so long. 

Watching my mom has also taught me something about myself. There have been times when I’ve struggled with feeling unaccomplished. I know I’m a hard worker, but I’ve realized that my deepest passions have never been to become a “corporate baddie.” While I know I am capable of doing good work wherever the Lord places me. The work that has truly captured my heart has been my spiritual life and my healing journey, which in their own way, has been hard work too. I’m grateful my strongest desire has been to grow internally. Of course, I still have the very human desire to be financially secure and safe. I want to take care of the things God has entrusted to me and provide for those I love. Money itself is not what satisfies me or brings me meaning though. I’ve learned from watching my mom that while work and money can transform a life, it cannot heal the part of us that simply longs to be loved for who we are. 

The work I’m doing isn’t always the kind of work that gets praised. Most of the time, it is a solo endeavor where no one really knows the depth of how much you are putting into it other than you, God, and the peace you’ve found. No one is ever going to come up to me and congratulate me for how much I’ve learned, changed, or deepened my relationship with God because this kind of work isn’t “human-praise” worthy. But you know what? While I see my mom and some of the thoughts she’s had, or the limitations her health has brought, I realize your human self can make so many plans, but life will take you in directions you can’t always control. Things happen. Death is real. While I’ve thought to myself, “Well, I’m not very accomplished,” the work I’ve done over the years is something no one will ever be able to take away from me. Not a person, not a health condition, not even a circumstance. As Osuna says, there is nothing more certain in the world than searching for communion with God; nothing will be more joyous, more valuable, or more precious.

In a time when so many people are struggling with some type of mental health challenge, life is hard. When I think about “raw-dogging” life without spiritual help, I wouldn’t be able to do it. It would literally crush me into the abyss of loneliness, resentment, and anger. I need all the help I can get because I am not naturally strong. I’m sensitive. My mind goes in a million different directions. I have anxieties and insecurities, and when I let those become my baseline, I drop into a very dark place. I look like a different person. When I am locked in spiritually, I am different. I have a newfound strength, and I feel like I even look different. You glow differently when you are truly in pursuit of God in your life. This social media world, don’t get me wrong, I love my Instagram but I have to have some serious boundaries with it, or I’d literally go nuts. But think about it: it’s so easy to look at other people’s lives and believe you’ve been given a shitty hand. Everyone is posting their best and trying to convince you how amazing their lives are. You start believing the lie that satisfaction comes from an outside-in mentality. If I feel like it’s hard with God as my center, imagine how those who have nothing to carry them must feel. True joy and happiness are found when the Holy Spirit is filling you with God’s essence. Once you experience that, nothing will ever satisfy you the same way again. This life wasn’t meant for us to have constant access to what everyone else is doing, nor to live in a state of perpetual comparison. You will never know what someone else is going through, no matter what they share or how amazing their life looks. 

I recently finished Jane Eyre, and there is a point when she is falling head over heels for Mr. Rochester. In her peak happiness, she says, “It can never be, sir; it does not sound likely. Human beings never enjoy complete happiness in this world. I was not born for a different destiny to the rest of my species: to imagine such a lot befalling me is a fairy tale, a day-dream.” Basically, she’s saying to me, non of us leave this place unscathed. I don’t care how wealthy or poor you are; we all go through incredibly difficult times that test us and our spirits. There is wisdom in truly knowing that, not only for those who feel they have been dealt a hard hand, but also for those to whom life has been generous and who may be led toward selfishness and egotism. Don’t compare yourself and think you’re less, and don’t look down on others, thinking you will be shielded from the reality of our shared humanity. God is close to those who are suffering, and life is hard. You have to have the armor to not let it crush you.

Only God has been able to carry me through some of the most difficult times in my life. Christ knows when you are struggling, and learning to find your connection to Him will give you the strength to get through anything. That is not to say that life is depressing or that we will never know joy. Just as there are bad times, good times are certain to return. We are all subject to the same human condition; no one gets a “perfect” life. So, when something wonderful, such as a relationship with God, is within reach, take it is what Osuna says. It is a slow process, and the beginning takes much effort. As I said before, nothing worth having comes easy, even if the world tries to persuade you otherwise. Don’t be weak-minded; choose the path with conviction, and allow the path to appear.

When people reject God, they also tend to reject those who believe wholeheartedly. They may judge what you love and care about because they can’t see what you see. Let them. Fall in love with the process, and maybe, through your change, others will follow suit. But really, this journey isn’t about what others are doing; it’s about you and the One above. So focus on your journey, as it will be the most important work of your life.  Thank you so much for finishing my rant. I hope you enjoyed it. I still have more to go in this first treatise, so bear with me as I continue to grow and learn. I hope you’ll join me and learn alongside me.

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