I wanted to expand on the idea of a scattered heart, or what Francisco de Osuna describes as the divided self. It’s a concept he explores in depth throughout his book. Although he never uses the word anxiety, it’s what immediately came to mind as I was reading.
Sometimes I feel like my mind and emotions are pulling me in a million different directions, to the point that they leave me paralyzed. Maybe you can relate to that feeling. I like to call it the teeter-totter of my mind and heart. One moment I’m pessimistic, the next I’m optimistic. Even though I’ve come a long way since the beginning my healing journey, I still find myself in this internal battle. It isn’t as constant as it once was, but it still drains me. Every few months I seem to go through an existential crisis of sorts, and even on a weekly basis I can feel the pendulum trying to swing between one emotional extreme and the other. Lately, I’ve been asking God to help me become more consistent in my state of being—to steady that internal pendulum.
Osuna’s insights have given me a great deal of clarity, and I hope what I’ve learned might also help anyone else who feels this way.
Have you ever found yourself waking up and having a really hopeful day? You feel optimistic in your faith, and the future doesn’t seem so scary but full of opportunity. I love this state of being, and I wish I could stay there as long as I could. Then, within a few hours, or maybe the next day, it’s like I awaken with dread, anxious about what is going to happen next. I always know when I’m in that place because it’s like a switch that feels like night and day. I think it’s worse for me when it happens within hours. One moment I’m fine, and then this cloud of dread approaches. I begin thinking about the past, what I’ve lost, how life is unfair, and how I feel trapped and stuck. At the same time, a desire that feels so out of reach approaches me like a hit of hot air. The longing for something that seems so far away begins to torment me. Then I think to myself, How did I go through so many emotions and thoughts in one sitting? How did I go from, “God, I trust You, and my life is in Your hands” to begging God to take the dread away?
I’m tired grampaaaa LOL It’s like, Girl… get it together.
Francisco de Osuna described these movements as the four winds of the heart: joy, sadness, hope, and fear. He believed these passions weren’t bad themselves. The problem came when they ruled us instead of being ordered toward God. You know, people always say that this generation, or society in general, experiences more anxiety and more depression than any generation before. First of all, I’m like, how do y’all know that? Lmao, that’s a big statement. When I think about how this priest from the 1500s writes, I’m like, are we any different? Because he seems to speak directly to me. When i think about it, I assume our emotions aren’t necessarily stronger than those of previous generations. But what I do think is that our environment amplifies certain ones, especially with the internetwebs and social media. News feeds fuel fear. The materialism and constant feed of what our lives should be inflame desire. Social media magnifies comparison and excitement. Before we’ve had time to process one emotion, another sweeps in. It’s no wonder so many people feel so internally divided.
The four principal passions: joy, sadness, hope, and fear, are simply natural movements of the human heart. He says we share these emotional principles with all creatures of the world, namely animals. Osuna states, “They say that the wheel with four faces is near the animals because we share these passions with the beasts; therefore, if we are to progress, we must have the passions chastised and tamed, or else our hearts will be divided among them.” Osuna is saying that all of God’s creations that live and move share these four common states of being. The difference with human beings is that we have control over them. While an animal might feel fear, joy, or desire, it experiences them as something instinctual and ingrained for survival; for example, one moment an animal desires food to feed itself, it might feel fear when a predator approaches, and so on. We, on the other hand, have the ability to be aware of these states, to move them, to focus on them, and to direct them. Because our natural state pulls our heart in four different directions, without any discipline, those directions can become so overpowering that they begin to compete with each other.
That is why one moment you’re hopeful, thinking about the future, and the next, like the wind swinging in the other direction, you’re sad and depressed.
Without proper discipline and wise direction, joy becomes addiction. Sadness becomes despair, hope becomes greed or endless craving, fear becomes anxiety. Osuna doesn’t condemn our emotions. He reminds us that they are part of the shared gift God has bestowed upon all of His creation. Joy, sadness, hope, and fear are not signs that we’re flawed or unworthy, they’re signs that we’re ALIVE. The spiritual life does not tell us to start growing by eliminating these passions, but by allowing them to be ordered by wisdom, virtue, and ultimately, by love.
So how do we begin to get ourselves ordered, you ask? We have to stop looking outwardly for relief and begin looking inward, becoming aware of what is in our hearts. I have always known that I am quite moody, but the switch in moods can leave me so exhausted sometimes. I am more aware now of how heavy it feels when I move from one extreme state to the other, and I can observe the chaos it brings into my life when I allow it to overpower me. I hate when people say to me, “It’s just a choice; you can just not do that.” Like, no, I can’t. If it were that easy, we wouldn’t be here growing through it. It’s a practice, and one that I haven’t really been able to do until only a few years ago. My personal antidote, honestly—becoming consistent with my prayer, Eucharistic adoration, Holy Communion, confession, and meditation life, and giving myself the time daily to go to a quiet place with God. I’m still at it, but it’s growing in consistency.
One of my biggest pendulum struggles has been this feeling of defensiveness with the world and with people. This constant feeling of being slighted or complaining. There are days when I feel good and unbothered, and then, like the wind, the pendulum swings, and I find myself feeling hyper-aware of everyone and their movements. I am searching for peace, but when I’m constantly feeling slighted or defensive, how could peace come to be? I allow people to drag me into chaos, and I obsess over how people should act rather than just letting people be and not letting it bother me.
It’s quite hard.
I have learned to isolated myself, and I have found peace in isolation, but I also crave connection, and it’s this push and pull—avoidance of the world and then being thrown into it, with all my senses overwhelmed. Is peace real if it only exists when I’m alone? I’ve come to learn it’s not. I have to learn to find peace in the movement of the world without running away from it. Osuna has this idea that religious people sometimes think they have to run away from the world and live in isolation to be holy, that God can’t be found in the world or in everyday people. But what if we can be in the world without running away from it, and without being moved by everything happening around us? I really want to get to this place.
I’m reading The Count of Monte Cristo. The Abbé tells Dantès that he needs to educate himself before he goes back into the world to be a free. Education changes a person from the inside out. Dantès doesn’t just acquire knowledge in prison. He becomes more thoughtful, disciplined, articulate, confident, and perceptive. Dumas even describes his physical appearance changing because his mind and character have been transformed. This isn’t just a thought from this book. I have read many philosophers and spiritual writers who believe that what we contemplate shapes who we become.
Stick with me in my rambling as it all comes together.
I recently came to this realization the other day: What am I asking for in prayer? Up until very recently, I had always asked God for my desires and manifestations. My desires for what I want externally have always been the central themes in my prayers. Honestly, I can’t even tell you what I’ve been asking for anymore because it always sounds the same: I’m ready for a new job opportunity. Please bring it to me. The other one has been a relationship. I passionately and optimistically write out all the characteristics I want in a partner and it never seems to happen. The yearning for a relationship has been one of the heavier desires that I swing back and forth in. One moment I’m good, next thing I know im pulled into this uncomfortable yearning for something that, quite frankly, might never come to be. I might not be called to that life. In reflecting on this constant swinging from contentment to yearning, I realized I’m tired of this feeling. It leaves me exhausted and dissatisfied—obsessing over who, what, when and how. I don’t want the desire anymore.
There is this concept that many religious books repeat, and especially that the saints talk about—mastering or conquering your passions. I always got kind of annoyed and defensive at these parts. I would be like, WTF, what do you mean ugfhghg? Do they just not want us to live? What do you mean conquering my passions? Do they want me to be a blob in the world with no desires? Then why was I made human in the first place? Osuna has finally helped me understand what conquering my passions actually means.
Sometimes the saints and religious people speak in this very judgy, womp womp kind of way. Many of the saints and mystics write in ascetical language—the language of spiritual discipline. To modern ears, it can sound severe, almost as if they’re asking us to hate ourselves or reject being human. I’m like, can we not write like that? When you understand what they mean in context, they’re often describing something much gentler and more psychologically insightful. It means not making my desires the center of my world or the four principles being literally out of control. Until very recently, I didn’t even realize I was doing that. Even the things you don’t think are consuming you can take away your peace.
So in my aha moment while I was praying, I asked God, “You know, I’ve been asking You to give my heart to someone who will really love me, but when I think about giving my heart away to another human, I also get this doomsday feeling of getting hurt, and I’m like, you know what, I’m good.” I have all of these irrational thoughts, and I don’t like the feeling. It’s like I’m saying I want one thing, but I’m equally not wanting another. I realized I’ve been asking for two opposing things at the same dang time, and I had never asked Jesus to help me fall in love with Him. I had never truly made Him the center of all my desires. I want to fall in love with You, and I want my heart to be completely Yours. Because I know You won’t hurt me. You won’t betray me or leave me for someone else. You won’t use me or touch me just to satisfy Yourself. So I want to fall in love with You. I want You to be who I give my heart to. I want You to take it and put it in a box and protect it from harm so that even if I do get hurt, I know I will be okay—because my heart is no longer mine, but Yours. I truly mean that now. Why am I yearning when Jesus is right there waiting for me?
Anyway, what I’m saying is that I totally get what the saints mean now when they say, conquer your passions. The other day, while I was reading The Count of Monte Cristo, I reached the part where the Abbé and Dantès meet. They both have a desire to escape prison and are sharing stories about why they are innocent. Dantès is so excited that he essentially says, “Let’s escape right now!” He even suggests killing one of the guards and heading toward the ocean. The Abbé replies, Cálmate, buddy. Who said anything about committing a mortal sin? I want to leave this place with my humanity intact. I was ready to escape with you, but now I don’t think so because you’re too impulsive and clearly don’t have the right state of mind.” At this point, Dantès has already been in prison for six years, so he responds, “What do you mean? How am I being unreasonable? They took my life; why can’t I take one for my freedom? I’m an innocent man.” He speaks as if taking a life is justified. The Abbé explains that a person in their right mind wouldn’t even think about doing something evil, even in circumstances like theirs. He tells him that God doesn’t want him to leave yet because, clearly, his excavation led him to Dantès’ cell rather than to the outside world. Eventually, Dantès recognizes the Abbé’s wisdom. Realizing his own ignorance, he asks the Abbe, “Teach me everything you know, and once I’ve learned what I need to know, then we’ll leave—maybe in a few months’ time?” The Abbé agrees but tells him, “Because of the circumstances, I need two years of your time here without you even thinking about escaping.” Dantès doesn’t leave prison for another eight years, and the Abbé never leaves at all. What really struck me was the Abbé telling Dantès not to become consumed by his desire for the outside world while he focused on educating him; otherwise, his entire world would become enclosed in despair. The Abbé teaches him patience. At first, they both desperately want freedom and dream about everything they’ll accomplish once they’re out. But over time, Dantès reaches a point where he realizes it doesn’t matter what treasures are waiting in the world because the Abbé has already given him something irreplaceable: You’ve educated me. You’ve developed my mind and matured me into a man I never thought I could become, and you gave me true friendship. Of course, he still has things to learn, and his desire for revenge continues to shape much of the story. But this part taught me something about myself.
It taught me that when you stay in integrity and live by the standard of morality you know to be good, God never abandons you. What made Dante and the Abbé appreciate about each other were their shared values: hard work, integrity, and respect for the divine. God gave them something to rely on in a place that seemed hopeless. When you are working on yourself and growing from the inside out, it takes time to transform. The world around you might be moving while your outside world feels stagnant; you might feel stuck, and the weight of your desires might feel like a burden. However, if I center myself and look at reality, I have not been stuck. I have moved mountains. Even more so since I moved my attention toward God.
My time in adoration has been like my time with my Abbé. He is helping me see my disordered heart and changing me. I am totally present to the fact that things may turn in a different direction than I initially wanted. Currently, I have some desires, obviously, but mostly I keep redirecting my thoughts. Lord, help me fall completely in love with You. Take my heart and make it Yours so that I no longer feel the pull of the winds. The priest at my parish a few Sundays ago talked about loving God consistently, even when it feels hard. How can we stay in love with God even when the trials of life shake our boat? I thought about this because it aligned with what I have been trying to achieve spiritually. When the winds would come and I would get stuck in loops of despair, I would swing so far left that I would get mad at God. I’d ask, “Why are You allowing me to go through this? Why do I feel stuck? Why is my mom sick? Why don’t I have the relationship yet? Why am I always feeling slighted?” I would get so angry that I would say things I regret, thinking. Some days, it feels like God is so far away, and I wonder how that’s possible when I was just having a good day.
The priest said that most of us lose our connection to God because we believe He must not be real if these tragedies are happening. He talked about fairness and the cloud that follows people who feel life hasn’t been fair to them. I have struggled with this idea of fairness: why is everything so unfair in my life? Why do I see the people who have hurt me so happy, they get everything they want. They get to move on from my life as if they never did anything that harmed me; they are happy in new relationships and surrounded by loyal friends, while I feel I am trying to be good and it’s never enough. These thoughts spiral me into a deep despair, a personal hell where I feel God must be laughing at me. What awful things to think. But the priest asked how we can learn to love Jesus and see His sacrifice on the cross for us—how He went through unimaginable suffering at the hands of peoples injustice. So, I’ve been intentionally moving toward focusing on falling in love with Jesus. Now, when fear comes and I feel the swift breeze of despair, I no longer jump into the ocean and say God hates me. I begin to say, “No, God loves me. He loves me so much He is here with me through this feeling.” focus on him, and let this moment pass. Im finally at peace with the unfairness of it all. Just as Dante and the Abbé were trapped in a cave and transformed even though their physical reality didn’t change, I realize I’m not stuck and God has not forsaken me. He has transformed me and helped me find my center. What I’m trying to say is this: if I don’t want the pendulum of my heart constantly swinging between these four passions, the only way is to direct everything I have is towards God. He is the one who reorders my life and brings it into its fullness and purpose—without me ever having to lose who I am or become any less human. He is the balance in the pendulum I’ve been searching for. He is the source of peace, harmony, and virtue.
I hope that if you have read this chaotic piece, you find a place where you can go pray, consistently. I no longer ask God for all of my desires. I realize I used to say, “I want what You desire for me,” while side-eyeing His desires because I hadn’t fully given my heart to Him. Currently, I’m not even asking God for His desires; I’m just asking Him to help me fall in love with Him and to make my heart completely His.
I hope this made sense and that you leave feeling a little more inspired.
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A Little More Inspired 
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